Saturday, November 08, 2003

Couple more hours and counting

Well. The day is finally here. Too quick... although... no amount of time would keep me prepared for what has to be done. I hate this shit. This shit being taking back my word and my choice and asking for another one. I mean, I fucking brought it on myself so why the fuck should I be pissed or upset at other people right? But fuck. Something's gotta give way. I figured, sometimes, you just gotta throw down your bag and scream at everyone around you because you're just going to explode and dirty their clothes eventually.

I don't want to go. I don't want to face responsibility. I don't want to continue on this course I've chosen. I don't want to say "I can't be with you because... it's not you, it's me." I don't want to be a fucking walking breathing talking pissing cliche. I DON'T WANT TO BE ANYTHING. I want to be alone, 19, normal, stupid, ignorant and all round fun person. Yea. Cool. BUT NOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, my stupid stupid stupid mind had to boycott myself. I can't believe I boycotted myself. What a fool.

Make or break. Make or break. Make what? I guess the basic idea of not settling. Or not just giving in to the good ol stereotype. Or actually avoiding years of unhappiness. Or having the opportunity to dream. Or having the hope that perhaps, the world just may be what you want it to be. And then the break? The Break can encapsulate so many things. Not just the basic relationship but the relationships of everyone around it. My family with our own extended one. Or my own freedom in that country of freedom. Or trust and reputation with people I don't give a fuck about.

You see. That's the problem right there. With people I don't give a fuck about. Then why fucking bother? Because she cares. She cares about reputation. What the fuck is reputation in the end? It's just a stupid (mis)conception that others have of you. What the fuck? Isn't that fucking sad? I think that's the fucking saddest thing in the world. That i'm allowing myself and others to continue this stupid thing called "reputation". FUCK THAT SHIT. Shouldn't it be about whether you're happy and at peace?

But in the end... I have this feeling that I have to settle. That seems like the only option she's offering me. I don't want to cry again. I'm fucking tired of it. I can't. I just... argh. Whatever.

I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. A preview of my mind in the plane. I want to kill myself. I want to kill myself. Where's the nearest knife? How high is this building? How many minutes should I wait in between this pill? That's a preview of my trip. I can't want to see him. I can't wait to shove her away from me. I can't wait to be lost. That's my mind coming back.

I read my horoscope today. It's scary. Gist of it - I have a flabby purpose which I should counter by gathering all my iron, making it into a rod which will represent my purpose and swing it about with gusto. Perfect. Not only do I get what I want but I get to hit people at the same time. Perfect.

This post could go on for hours. I think I better stop to clear some stuff before he calls. My baby. I miss his smell already. So I'll talk soon. I hope. Now how do I fit this rod into the suitcase... hmmm...

::me:: at 10:34