Wednesday, November 05, 2003

If I'm David Blaine then David Blaine is a cheat.

This is the first time, ever, that I haven't fasted since the first day of fasting. Like, at all. Not one day. Zero, Zip, Nada.

I just haven't been able to do so because... I'm upset as it is and I don't think I need the lack of eating to make me feel worse thank you very much. I don't need gastric to laugh at me at 4pm. I don't need to cough all afternoon because I can't get a drop of water down my parched throat. Oh woe is me. No but seriously... cannot lah. No motivation.

This morning, or more like about an hour ago, while eating Sahur, I made a promise to myself to save every dollar I get so I can get out of this house, or that house, or any house that contains my mother. I just can't. I don't know why. I'm just filled with this amazing desire to run away from her. I have this gut feeling that if I continue being near her, I'll never be happy. I don't know why she makes me feel that way but... I can't stand the sight, smell and especially sound of her. I don't know how to work around these feelings. It's just that everytime I hear the door open with the knowledge that it's her coming back, I have this immediate reaction to want to burst out with profanities and give dirty looks. OH MAN. I can't stand this. How am I going to survive this trip? Something's going to give way... I can just feel it....

Okay, I don't want to cry at 5.50 in the morning. I'll just put my mind somewhere else.

Another sad thing I have realised is that I can't seem to dream anymore. Like daydream or fantasise about some ideal situation in life or something fun like that. I used to do that all the time before. I'd constantly be making up a little scenario for me to indulge in whenever I had some time alone or to help make myself forget things. It's getting harder everyday. I keep trying but it just doesn't feel the same. Is it age? Or is it just stupid ol realistic and skeptical me that's taken over even that part of my brain. FUCK YOU BORING REALISTIC SKEPTICAL GIRL. FUCK YOU.

What a Kevin moment. How liberating. But it doesn't work for certain things. No matter how much I lash out at my room pretending it's my mother, I don't feel better. Am I doomed to making her happy and at the same time hating her? MAN. That has to be the worst punishment. Wanting to consciously make someone u hate, happy. That is super gross. Super repulsive. Urgh. *convulses* Urgh again.

Okay, I think... that's enough. I think I shall attempt my little day/pre-dreaming again. Nite. Morning. Watever.

::me:: at 13:54