Monday, January 26, 2004

And I reply.

Convenience with a ring of truth. I see it, I read it, I absorb it and still it doesn't feel enough. I've been thinking this through for a year and I know I made the right choice. But it hurts, you know? It fucking hurts. That you can't see what I'm seeing and you're not understanding what I'm understanding. That I fucking know where you're coming from but whatever you say still doesn't fucking hold water. You know? Do you fucking know?

Airy-fairy castle-in-sky. What happened to your principles? What happened to all that? Why couldn't you say this a whole year ago? Why fuck with me now? WHY FUCK WITH ME NOW? FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU. I asked you, I did. I know I fucking did, maybe a million times over. But you never said this. Why all of a fucking sudden? Haven't we been through this already? Honestly, isn't it fucking getting tiring?

And you still think I'm materialistic? That I want someone that drives? That allows me to smoke pot? That lets me drink? FUCK ALL THAT SHIT. You fucking know I'm not like that. All that is on the surface. What he has is a plan. He loves me. I love him. And yes, I'm sad to say, but it's also convenience. But when you meet the right person, in the right circumstances, why the fuck not?

Again, A WHOLE FUCKING YEAR I ASKED YOU THIS SHIT BUT WHERE WAS THE FUCKING PLAN? I grew up. Simple. I fucking grew up a hell of a lot earlier. Speak to my mom about what? Jack fucking shit. You knew the basics, the requirements and you refused them. And it was a worthy refusal. But fuck that shit.

One thing I do apologise for is the betrayel. Yes, I slept with him and got pregnant. Yes I drank and smoked when you didn't like me to. I am sorry. I am so fucking sorry. But I know it's not enough and never will be. I'm sorry I'm not worthy of you - as your (our?) friends say. I'm sorry for hurting you in the most brutal fashion. I'm sorry. But if only you knew the circumstances I have been put in. It's like how you complain about not making love to you and you get all upset and angry. Now here I am, married to a man, and I'm not supposed to sleep with him? But once again, you don't know that, so I can't bring that point up. So I'm sorry. I fucking trully am. But once again, I don't need to be taken care of. I think you know by now, I can handle myself. I always have. I have been for 19 years of my life. But you know what, fuck that.

I thank you for fighting for me. But I wish you fought for me with a plan but in your reply, as I can clearly hear in my head, why should I even fight? - BECAUSE PEOPLE DO. I tried, I fought in my own way as well. I tried, I fucking did. But no, fuck that again, you see what I'm saying, you hear what I'm saying but the problem is, you don't fucking listen to what I'm saying. No, you say you do, but you don't. I can give you a thousand and one examples, and when I ask you, you have none. None. Understand? None.

I'm done, I'm over, I tried, I cried, I'm sick, I'm tired, I explained, I rationalised, I was realistic, I was objective. And right now, I'm fucking washing my hands, even if it's with tears. But I have had enough.

::me:: at 07:23