Monday, January 26, 2004

And you send this.

I've been writing a lot in my book of thoughts and i think maybe it's fair that you know what i'm going through too...

Love
Ashley
_______________________________________________________________________________

12 January 2004
0245hrs

i heard about your trip..i heard about your souvenirs and the cool nights and the cool guy that you spent it with. and i feel like something's breaking inside. all we've wrote in our stories, all the stars we've slept on all those nights together, curled up on a whitefluffycloud are all just for the sake of.or so it seems. she's explained time and time again; her reasons for just giving up were still not enough. i can't accept it because i could do all those things he could...i dont drive, i dont smoke pot and i'm not muslim but i was prepared to talk to her mom at least. and she knew that. but still, she wouldnt accept it; maybe because he swept her away in whatever it is he does best.a better life.

imissyouiloveyouicare4youarestellar

what hurts is that she tells me i've always had airy-fairy castles-in-the-air dreams about me and her and i've never given her a reason to stick with me. now if that isnt enough to make someone lose the will to feel any remote form of emotion, i dont know what else could hurt more. she wants me around: as a friend.as someone to talk to about stuff on a normal level, like her many,many friends. honestly, i cant. but i cant tell her because i'm holding on to whatever sane thread there is that's lifting me up; and it all stems from her presence. her eyes, her hair, her lips, her face. i love her more than anything else. probably always will above all, but i'd never be able to tell her that.

i think what hurts me most is betrayal. not leaving me, not treating me like shit but just betrayal. about the pregnancy,about sleeping with him, about smoking pot, about drinking. not because i'm an egoistical, posessive, control-freak. but because i worry, and i dont trust anyone else to take care of her...i want that responsibility. and i know it is extremely selfish but i dont know how to pick up my broken head/hurt on the floor...everything i've personally fought for - with my parents, friends, people who think i apparently can do better than she - is for memory lane.cathartic

alone.lonely.numb.feelingless.mindfucked.pain.hurt.anger.
love.bliss.joy.kiss.touch.stroke.beautiful.sweetheart.babygirl.

iloveyouimissyouidontknowhethertohateyouorbenice


::me:: at 07:12