Sunday, January 18, 2004

Anxious

Always anxious. It's been building up and lingering since Thursday, after the breakdown. I hate that... floating in your system... sorta... feeling. You know? But it's all right.

I danced most of it away on Friday, which is always good... but why is it back? *sigh* This honestly sucks big fat hairy dick. I keep depressing myself with John Mayer cause I'm a sucker for punishment or just miss having a good spanking. Either one. So I'm in heat and hurt. In hurt. Can anyone be 'in hurt'? Is it possible to be 'in hurt'? In a state of hurt. No? But anyway.

See. My thoughts have been trully scattered. This fucking sucks. One minute I'm indulging in conversation. Then I sort of drift off mid-way and start thinking about random things like socks. And the next thing I know I'm imagining myself deeply involved in riding someone. Then I think of my baby and then it kind of drifts off to my soulmate and then I shake myself off and I realise that the whole time I was politely nodding my head and saying yes in the right spots of the conversation.

Whah'?!? Stellow. You have to be there to understand. Never mind. I could just delete those two words but back spacing is a bitch so I'll just keep the flow going and do a br now.

SO. I had a nice session at Starbucks today because I met my good friends (Re: Support group) and old friends that I love. Matin, as always, was wonderful and Syafii... ah Syafii... he never fails to make me laugh so hard I start getting phlegmy and say something in a weird voice - which of course he'll point out and start laughing at and make situations about phlegm.

Man on the side. It's playing in the background as I type this.


"You're my queen. You really are."

"I know baby. I always will be. We'll have little princes and princesses."

"I can't wait till that happens. I can't wait to wake up next to you. I can't wait till you're the mother of my children."

"Neither can I. Little you's and me's. I love you. Always."

"Forever."

"Yes."


I remember telling him in the first month of our relationship that 'forever' isn't very long. Well without each other, it'll last an eternity. But I guess it's time I suck it up and move on. But it's nice to reminisce sometimes. It's nice to be sad and lonely. It's nice to hurt. You feel a little less guilty or it's just all you know after feeling a particular way for so long. So I'll wait till I come around and realise that other emotions need to be used.

I hope it won't take forever, because to be honest, it is quite long.

::me:: at 09:24