Monday, January 19, 2004

The Man on the [In]Side

I saw him today. I never felt so young in so long. Never have I ever giggled openly at a situation nor flirtily smile and at the same time have little frogs leaping in my tummy. It's been so long since I've felt that secondary school infactuation. I've never felt so vunerable in a situation I know I'm controlling.

But somehow he does that for me.... and at the worst times. So he stood there in front of me, half-smiling and eyes half-sad and we tried not to bring attention to the amazing amount of tension between us. But being brash when he wants to be, "If I know you well enough, you want to kiss me." "What are you talking about? Of course not", I blatantly lied through my teeth however fully exposing how I felt with my manner. Damn you for making me unsure.

So I sort of wiggled a bit and fidgeted with my bag and he just looked at me. I tried to conceal my utter need to maul him with stupid questions and also trying to keep his attention on me and perhaps make him stay for just those few minutes longer. Next thing I knew, (I knew all along - who wouldn't?), he pulled me close to him and kissed me and I realised how I almost forgot how soft his lips were and how much we fit so well. He pulled me closer and held me and I took every advantage to inhale him in and made sure it stayed in my blood and travelled through my body and in and out my brain and around every erogenous zone known to man. Damn you for making me unsure, again.

He kissed my cheek again and then my lips and then just held me. But we couldn't stand like that forever so we pulled away from each other and he bid farewell as he held my hand. We walked a little away from where we were and I pulled him back so that I could get another full stop for my very long sentence. We both smiled shyly because it was the most childish reaction we've had with one another. I regretfully let him go and then he turned his back and he was gone. I turned around and obviously, I had an audience. Damn you for making me unsure, again, in front of everyone else.

I gushed over what happened to continue with the secondary school act, the running theme for the night. And I thought about him and what he was doing and what he was thinking and why he wasn't messaging me and everything else in between. And she asked me what the kiss felt. I really didn't know. I guess it felt like memories of what we were and what we were throwing away... and basic mushy infactuation.... Right? Well... it has to be. So it shall be. Damn you for making me unsure, again, in front of everyone, very transparently.

And on the way home, having the itchy fingers first, I messaged him and he replied and I messaged back and he replied and he ended with a "I'll call you soon." During all this, I was busily scribbling down reminders on my feelings and little pictures which subconsciously was haunting me and the only words that poped into my head was 'The Unattainable Perfection'. It made no sense, but it did. I don't know. Damn you for making me unsure, in front of everyone, so transparently, so subconsciously.

He called me while I was watching TV and I couldn't quite possibly be talking to him legally in this house so I made my way to my room with one-winged butterflies in my tummy so I knew that childish phase had passed. Predictably, he got uncomfortable after saying what he meant. I gently coerced him into talking to me for longer ( or for worse) and then he couldn't bear it anymore and decided to end our conversation with the usual excuse. So I let him go and he messaged me with an apology but I didn't reply because he predictably got me mad. But not at the hang up, but the general snappy hurtful comments he's so good at dishing out. And that was that. And that was all. And that is all it ever will be.Damn you for making unsure, in front of everyone, so transparently, so subconsciously but still managing to erase all doubt so simply and making me sure again.

Damn You.

::me:: at 09:04