Monday, March 01, 2004

Inside

I'm in a strange state. I can't seem to keep my head quiet. All day, I've been talking to myself. Usually within but sometimes out loud. It's getting a bit tiresome.

There's so many things I wish I could be. So many places I'd like to idle away in. So many experiences I'd like to go through. So many words I'd like to use. So many people I'd like to meet and affect. So many things I'd like to have. So many traits I wish I had.

I'm just speaking here. Just needed to let my internal conversation out. I'm enjoying my own company today. My own company. Never usually like that. Me. Never.

Things are still the same though. Perhaps just feeling a bit.... no word. Let me try again. Just feeling a bit... different? no. No word.

Amazing night I had last night. Nothing special really. Contradicting myself. *smiles* It was a nice night with no special effect. Yes. That's what it was. I saw who I wanted to see. I smelt who I wanted to smell. I felt who I wanted to feel. And I felt like how I wanted to feel.

Changed the name to random luff. Decided it was time to get rid of the old one. It's redundant to still have it I guess. It's a given. I don't know.

I don't know what's going on in my head. I still don't have a word to describe it. Inner-monologues. Weird. It's not bad nor is it good. It feels... quaint. That word is the perfect example of how I'm feeling. Yes. That's it. Quaint. Not so much quaint literally... but more like the effect you get when someone calls you quaint. That semi-insult yet pleasant yet not feeling.

I'm rambling now aren't I? Ah the embarrassment. But I'm quite enjoying myself and since I own this thing, I think I have the right to continue yes?

I think my supply of happy pill will be finishing soon. It told me indirectly. It never really goes into details. Always so vague and hazy with its descriptions of its situations. Poked at it a bit and it just stared at me. I had to laugh to make sure it knew I was fine. Which I was. Disappointedly was fine. But you know how it goes. Only when it runs out do you realise you need to get more. So till that time comes, I won't have to worry.

Always that philosophy. It's gotten me into so much trouble. Too much. And yet I still continue, with the knowledge of its results. Quite stupid isn't it?

I ask my head a lot of questions and I always reply. Always tells me the uncencored truth. I don't like it. I prefer being lied to. Perhaps that's why people have friends. Yes. We're honest with ourselves. Brutally honest. So we need little bits of foam to absorb some of the blows. If not, I think we just might be completely content with ourselves. (Not speaking on sexual terms however.) If we weren't so mean to ourselves, I don't think we may find the use of having other people around us so they can tell us different. Stroke our egos.

Hmmm. Once again, I'm just bringing inner-monologue out[er]. I think it's time I stop now. Need to sleep. But that never quietens the brain. Another round of tossing and turning is in order. Good night.

::me:: at 11:56