Thursday, April 01, 2004

breathless

it feels like i can't breathe. something's just pressing on my chest and covering my mouth and it won't let me take in full breaths. i don't like this feeling. not one bit. but how do you make it stop? how do you make it stop without going away permanently?

i'm tired. again and again. just tired. and i still can't seem to breathe.

despite the night being as wonderful as it was, it can't seem to override this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. perhaps it further emphasised the hopelessness of everything. i spoke to her door for the next 15 minutes after she retreated back from the battle. i just spoke to it. i answered everything she questioned. i said exactly how i felt to her door. every single thing. everything i could never say to her face because she won't take it.

i'm going to run away. i was just informed of that decision about two seconds earlier before i typed this line. weird how these things happen. i'm going to run. even if it's with him, i can always run again. and keep running until i eventually stop. stop to either be content with where i am or stop to die. either way, it'll be better off than where i am now. time to let go. get out. cowardly i know. but i don't give a fuck. it'll be fine when i run.

and i feel myself starting to breathe again.

::me:: at 09:56