Friday, April 30, 2004

"When fingers don't"

Today was my last official day of school. I started out the day all wrong. Considering the fact I had to travel all the way back home because I had left an important textbook for a friend, I was almost late for my exam itself. After which, I had a nice time helping pick out stuff to wear for my friends. I then travelled back home only to be more than fashionably late to the last book launch we'll ever have.

Last semester, I was in this elective called "Book Publishing and Writing" where we basically wrote books, designed them and promoted them for non-profit organisations. Till now, I've been helping the elective with their various launches. It was amazing. Just because not only did it mark an end of an era but the fact that we were all graduating and it was the last semester my brilliant lecturer, Mr. Desmond Kon, will ever teach. He truly has been the only inspriration I've had in school because he didn't just teach us things for working life, but he tried to teach us what 'the greater good' meant.

In between his blubberings (he literally was crying, as always) he had been explaining a poem he had written which was published in BookPub's annual book called the 'Creative Anthology'. In it, were a few lines that went " I walked to rush to watch a play, Three girls and what they had to say, And how and why when fingers don't, write words of wisdom, what teachers won't". I happened to be one of the three girls he rushed to see. The history is that, last semester, we had performed for this gig where we recited this poem "When fingers don't". He had turned up late and we were very worried that something had happened. We waited for him for three hours and when he finally arrived, we gave him hell out of our concern. He then realised that he had lost responsibility at that point because instead of the teacher telling the student, the student had told the teacher. At this point, I started to tear.

This man had literally changed my life and actually made me think about our responsibilities as a person with the power of voice. He had made me aware of priorities and intentions. It was beautiful. After which, Vanessa (the only voice of the audio book), had sang the poem and as she sang, the colours of the words just appeared before my eyes and it hit me that I had made the man that had awaken me, awake.

It was an emotional night and in a beautiful way. To a certain extent, it's beyond comprehention. It's just one of those things... you know? *hugs you tight* But yes. What I'm trying to get at, is that, a really potentially fucked up day turned out to be amazing. After the whole launch, and the milling, and the random drama between friends... I ended up just following these random three other guys back to a friends place where we drank and spoke and opened up with our deepest feelings. I had managed to bring out this person, whom I know is very inhibited and quiet, to speak and tell tales of things I could relate to.

It was an amazing bonding session and I ended up leaving the place with a feeling of satisfaction. Despite my current drunken state, I am more aware than I have ever been. I believe that I am empowered in ways beyond imagination. That with my voice and my knowledge and awareness, I can change lives and make better things of almost hopelessness. That I, indeed, harness the potential to make things ugly - beautiful.

I am currently completely at peace with myself and my surroundings. And oddly enough, all I feel like doing is curling up with you... under prestine white sheets and telling you what my heart tells my mind. And sharing with you what I've learnt and learning what you've shared. The spectrum of colours, that I can currently envision, is blinding. Believe me, that from the bottom of my heart, that not only do I feel for you in ways I can't comprehend, I also respect you so much. Don't ever doubt that.

I know that I'm in no place to say such thing nor in no place to affect you in a way I desire, I just hope that you can take me and my words, as the most complete and abosolute truth. Please, believe that you are not only a resounding creature but one that has reached out and held my heart in a way that hasn't been possible in a long while. As random as it may seem, I care for you. Deeply. Don't worry... I'm not crazy nor saying things out of nothingness but it's just something that I feel that you should know and for all I know, benefit from.

A small thing can mean so much. Just like how those words that Mr. Desmond Kon had written - that brought me to tears, our friendship is something beyond just coincidence, it is truly fate. I believe in that. 'That' being fate. I believe that we had met each other and connected for a reason beyond our being. That me communicating with you, is a muted strength in a dimension I cannot grasp.

Take care of yourself. I'd love to see you again in full form and function. By all means, react to this e-mail in any adverse reaction you can think of. If it is opposite of adverse, by all means (again), grace me with poetry that will not only hit my heart, but permanently scar (for lack of a better word - because scars can be beauty) me and leave me touching the discolourations with pride and appreciation.

I love you. Wholly and truly.

Amazed and blessed,
nausheen

p.s: Every word, that has been typed and said, is true. It will stay true. And I'll mark these words down to remember the amazing asthetics it has brought it my minds eye. *kiss*


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Look in my bed and I'm bound to be sleeping
I'm Lying there Dead but I'm Breathing...

this is an e-mail I had wrote that I felt was worthy enough to be a post. take it in like how I had managed to regurgitate it as simply and as quickly as I had written it.

::me:: at 14:11