Monday, May 10, 2004

Something new for someone old

I'm sorry Blogger but your new layout...? It fucking sucks. Where's the old busy looking layout? It made me feel so much more important. Now I just feel like a fuckin kid updating my little diary. *proceeds to unlock the lock and open the multi-coloured paperbook which smells like cheap perfume* Urgh. What is this bullshit. But I have no control, so fuck it.

Today was a generally shit day. Emotionally. I mean, I met friends and laughed and joked and smiled and all that but I just felt disjointed. Wasn't right. I don't know what's bugging. Or maybe I do. This whole mental countdown I'm having for myself is killing me. I'm not ready to leave dammit.

Yes, Andrea, I think the analogy suits me well... Too well.

I miss him. A lot. I feel this need to spend my last days seeing him because it just might be the last time I do see him. How crazy is that. I sound like I'm dying. Well, maybe I am. But wow. He did fill about 2 years of my life. And partially the 2 years prior. I mean, he's the only human being I've invested so much of myself in. He's the only one I've cried about so hard and so long and so honestly. He's the only one that makes me suck in air by just looking at me.

I shouldn't indulge in thinking about it. Too much. Too far. Too tiring. Too futile. But I think I might just try to make him see me. Try to make him see me. Pssh. Look at how the tables have turned. Fuck.

::me:: at 13:06