Wednesday, October 20, 2004

relapse

i blame it on myself and my capability of burying myself in my own pain, even if i don't want to. i blame it on the movie i put on, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. i blame it on my eager need to associate myself with everything. i blame it on myself. i blame it on me.

i miss you. more than i ever thought i did. i thought it was okay. i told him it was okay, i was okay, i loved him. i do, but i miss you so much more. i spent the afternoon looking at us and what we were and how i felt and how i wish i could erase all that so i don't have to sit here and cry myself to sleep. and i wish that that was never a possibility so i can always remember being happy. so fucking completely happy just lying in your bed and feeling the sunlight that creeped through the curtains that was floating in the wind. and i remember how you'd watch me, till i had to poke you to stop. and i remember how you kissed me, so soft. so fucking soft.

i don't know how long this is going to go on for. i just wish it would stop. i don't want it anymore. i really fucking don't. i'm so tired of missing you. i'm so tired of crying. i'm so tired of taking 5 steps forward and then 100 steps back.

i just miss you so much and i blame it on myself.


::me:: at 14:11