Thursday, November 18, 2004

the weird thing about the heart

It's been close to six months since i've moved out and into another country. Superficially, things haven't changed all that much. Well, at least i don't think so. Through my conversations with different people from home, those whom i've been close to right before i left and those random ones from my past that warm my heart, it's clear that time has changed so many things for them.

I'm trying to see what I've thrown out or taken in but it gets hard when you don't have a control to compare yourself too. It's so different trying to analyse myself now then when I was just about to leave. Where we used to sit around and talk about how those 6 months have changed us socially, personally or physically. Where we'd flip through photos laughing at what we wore, who we were with and the stupid things we did that came with every glossy paper.

I still sit here, befuddled but perhaps a little nearer to an inkling of my better/settled state. The only control I've carried with me is perhaps, my emotions. Where before I was more frazzled, more confused, more inclined to bursting out in tears - crying and screaming, more afraid and more unsure of myself. In these 5 1/2 months, i've had 3 attacks and none more psychotic than the ones i used to get. This is good i'm sure. But I question whether it's just because i have no place to be that, to just let go. Or is it because I'm just not reminded of why i used to get that way in the first place?

But then I realised, all that doesn't matter. Right now, I DO feel more confident, more sure of myself and unafraid. However, I'm still confused. My heart still aches for what was but the days where I'm flying high cannot compare to the days before. No doubt, I'm still unhappy with several things about my life but things like that cannot be changed due to REAL obstacles like money, location and responsibilities i have taken on and accepted and grown fond of. Not some bullshit I'm just stopping myself from doing.

So is this just part and parcel of growing up? Of moving from a more selfish stage in life to a more selfless? To having answers to questions we used to ask when we were small? "Where will i be when I'm older? Will I be married? Who will it be to? What will my family be like? How would my home be like? How would the world without my parents be like?"

Yes, I am happy. But I will never know if I'm happier. And i doubt i'll ever know. And it's those days that I'm down that makes me want to know. So i'll wait and let it pan out because the view i have right now is as bright as i want it to be.


::me:: at 16:33