Friday, January 14, 2005

Unnerved

I just finished having a smoke after watching Requiem For a Dream. I don't know what to say or how to feel because i'm rather numb right now. Wow. That movie just hit me on every level of my being.

Addiction is a very scary thing. It changes you completely even if you go into it feeling like it's nothing you cannot control. But that's what addiction is isn't it? Something you cannot control. I don't know why i'm feeling emotional right now. Like I'm stuck at the second before you drop on a rollercoaster. That gut wrenching feeling of what did i get myself into before the initial fall. The point where you close your eyes so tight and your knuckles are all white from the horror you expect. From the anxiety that will grip you and make you still as you go through the motions until at last, you come to a stop.

Maybe it's because of the mother who's depressed and finds no reason to wake up everyday or sees no sense in cleaning her house because she has no one to live for, nothing to look forward to, no tomorrow to smile at. Maybe it's the girl and how she feels human because he makes her feel like she is when they're lying on the floor, numb from all the release. Maybe it's his big plans to live rich through pleasure and little work and always promising that it will work this time - it has to eventually. Maybe it's his friend that seemed in control, that wasn't so much a slave to his grind but shit happens anyway. Maybe it's the picture of the little pile of white dust landing on the table with a monstrous bang. Maybe it's that rolled up 5iver as it traces the white line leaving a trail of nothing. Maybe it's the pupil that dilates so quickly because you see everything at one instant and then see the madness in nothing.

I don't know. Maybe it's just me feeling like all of us are on the brink of our own downfall as we push aside our principles for the sake of curiousity.


::me:: at 15:17