Thursday, February 17, 2005

falling back

i've been feeling pretty down these past couple of days. but it's been happening quite frequently. random blocks of sadness. and these blocks seems to be appearing closer and closer together.

trying to figure out why has been a losing battle so i've resigned to the fact that perhaps my nature is such. i don't see anything to be upset about or depressed with but it's this painful ache in my heart that comes and goes and sometimes stays for too long. it's a pain that's too real and too physical.

i've lost the need to be around people. it's not like before where i couldn't be alone and always needed to speak with someone about anything. i'm quite fine with being alone now, being my own company. i'm uncomfortable around too many people and i find myself usually sitting in silence and day dreaming about things i can't remember now.

it feels like i need a good cry but after several, it's still not enough. i try not to get out of bed until everyone leaves so i can skip conversation. i forget to eat because well, i truly forget. i drive around and constantly picture me just going through a red light and fucking it. and when i go back to bed at night, i imagine if all the people i cared for died and how much it would hurt. how much more real the pain i'm feeling, will be. so i talk to God and make a quiet prayer for their safety and i thank Him for blessing me because the rest of the world is feeling so much worse.

and then i start to fear. what happens when i die? am i ready? will i be able to answer all the questions that will be asked? all the bad things i've done will come back to haunt me. how do i repent? and repenting isn't all that easy. every bad thing or good thing that i've done, has a repercussion that i'm unaware off. a ripple in society. a distortion in the plan. that i can never undo. and then i cry because i don't want to go back to sleep and never wake up.

so i cry and i cry and he's next to me, unaware of everything that's going on and i don't know how to tell him how i'm feeling. i don't want him to worry or think that it's his fault because i love him so much. i just want this pain to stop. i want to stop pretending i'm fine because how can i be if this feeling keeps coming back.

eventually though, i do fall asleep and thankfully, i wake up again and i see him sleeping so peacefully and the pain is gone and i've forgotten about it. i'm fine again. but as soon as i get up and my mind wakes, it all comes rushing back.

::me:: at 13:36