Tuesday, April 11, 2006

i cried last night while we sat on the same couch watching tv. you didn't notice nor did i care for you to.

you told me you were angry and i could tell from the moment you walked in but you didn't want to tell me why which sent me spinning into possibilities all very likely and understandable.

what you didn't call for was that when that starts to happen, my mind starts to race through different things very rapidly and eventually leads to a collapse than can get deadly.

and it almost did when you broke my back and went upstairs leaving me behind. but before all that happened, i took my space and found solace in the upstairs bathroom. the one with the drawer full of sharp things.

i look at myself in the mirrot and saw how ugly i was. a red desheveled mess. i deserved it. i really did. then i got tired of looking at myself so i sank to the floor and attemped to cut away the pain because if i didn't do something to let the steam out, i may have exploded.

and i cut and i cut and cut and i felt just a little better but i knew that nothing would make me feel sane. and i talked it out out loud about what it could be and i knew that either way it had be be big and i had to be wrong and then i went to why did he have to make me feel like this and why do i let it get to that point? then i ticked off the list of reasons why i should hate him which are all legitamate but i couldn't hold onto it because i'm a big walking talking mistake.

after he left me on the couch with my thigh burning red, i walked around the kitchen with nothing to do with myself. eventually i had to try to sleep. i went upstairs and took my place in bed with an ocean between us and i was alone and so was he.

we were both alone. we had no one to run to. no one to call. nothing to say. wide awake.

after an hour i finally found the strength to ask what i had done wrong and he told me plain and simple and i felt.... numb. it was a better reason because on that part, i didn't feel so guilty because everything i said was the truth to him and i stopped crying.

i tossed and i turned and i heard his eyes were open. i gave up, got out of bed, went to the bathroom and decided something needed to be done. anything.

now with my arm burning bright red, i went into his mothers room and asked for something to help me sleep and she gave me and i smiled and talked loudly to make up for the fact that i had lost my mind.

i popped two, went back to bed.

then everything started talking to me. everything. my bed, the clothes lying at my feet, the door, the pillow, the mattress became a hill that was undulating and vibrating and whispering to me. everything told me that i should go for it and that when i do, they will laugh when i failed. they kept mocking me and i was feeling more alone with every second. i called out for him over and over again but i couldn't see him and he couldn't hear me and he wasn't there and then he was.

i didn't understand what happened. he must have left the room and i couldn't see. so i tried to stand but i fell over and over and over again and i must have come out of my room and he was sitting at the computer but everything kept pulling me away and pushing me down and i couldn't see.

and then something happened and he was there and he said he was here and he found me but it was so soft and everything wouldn't stand still to let me get a good grip on him. more things ensued and i guess he had taken pity of me and i fell asleep only to wake up from crazy dreams and in his arms. i guess he had forgiven me and i never remembered how. i must have paid dearly. i must have.

and i still don't remember how it happened and how i should feel. all i know is that everything should be fine now even if all i'm left is an empty shell.

::me:: at 10:07