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littlelines
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| i cried last night while we sat on the same couch watching tv. you didn't notice nor did i care for you to. I know... I know.. it's been a long ass fucking time. What can I say? Nothing. So let's get straight into it. i decided that i might just post something just to keep this blog alive. i've been seriously thinking about setting up another blog, through blogger and made public. i miss putting pictures and getting tags. i think it sorta keeps communication alive between us no? but it's such a hassle isn't it? all that template work. and adding links. and things. if someone's willing to help, msg me. please. ::me:: at 18:14 Sunday was that kind of day that leaves you feeling like you've been left at the edge of a cliff and you can't wait to fly. Like you're on a brink of something huge beyond you and you suddenly understand it because you're at the last second before you jump. And all this was brought on with no actions, no big sign. He came back from his trip that felt too long. A big hug and a kiss and having his way with me, the day resumed. We went to Borders and I bought two novels and he bought some translation book (english to mandarin) and a financial self-help book. Talk about day and night. We then snuggled in bed, him reading the financial, me reading Shopgirl, I wanted to take a picture of how quaint it was. And as I struggled to read slowly so I could savour every word, he was trying to read as fast as he could because he's self-conscious about his speed. Every now and then I'd laugh at some very eloquently put phrase and kiss him softly so I could read it to him. And he'd do the same when he read something I should do. Again, I felt like taking a picture of its quaintness. By night time, we resumed our reading because I can never put down a book once it's been picked up. And I was trying desperately not to finish it but it was so short, I just had to. Towards the end, I read a passage that described perfectly what I was self-conscious of and I immediately felt an acceptance I never knew I needed. "Their union is the kind of perfect mismatch that makes for long relationships. She is smarter than he is, but Jeremy is in love with his own bright ideas, and the enthusiasm he shows for them infects Mirabelle and pushes her forward into the world of drawing for money. She begins to enjoy tolerating his enthusiastic outburts; this is her gift to him. Sometimes they lie in bed and Mirabelle relates the entire plot of a Victorian novel, and Jeremy is so captivated and engrossed that he believes the events in the story are happening right now, to him." I felt like someone had pushed me closer to the edge of this cliff I was standing on and now a camera zooms out and is above me, showing me what I'm afraid to jump into which is so beautiful and magnificant. All this while he was quietly lying next to me, unbeknownst to my revelation that not only affected me, but everything that I touched. So I kissed him softly and read him the passage and he smiled because he didn't really understand and I didn't need him to. ::me:: at 17:24 i've been feeling pretty down these past couple of days. but it's been happening quite frequently. random blocks of sadness. and these blocks seems to be appearing closer and closer together. trying to figure out why has been a losing battle so i've resigned to the fact that perhaps my nature is such. i don't see anything to be upset about or depressed with but it's this painful ache in my heart that comes and goes and sometimes stays for too long. it's a pain that's too real and too physical. i've lost the need to be around people. it's not like before where i couldn't be alone and always needed to speak with someone about anything. i'm quite fine with being alone now, being my own company. i'm uncomfortable around too many people and i find myself usually sitting in silence and day dreaming about things i can't remember now. it feels like i need a good cry but after several, it's still not enough. i try not to get out of bed until everyone leaves so i can skip conversation. i forget to eat because well, i truly forget. i drive around and constantly picture me just going through a red light and fucking it. and when i go back to bed at night, i imagine if all the people i cared for died and how much it would hurt. how much more real the pain i'm feeling, will be. so i talk to God and make a quiet prayer for their safety and i thank Him for blessing me because the rest of the world is feeling so much worse. and then i start to fear. what happens when i die? am i ready? will i be able to answer all the questions that will be asked? all the bad things i've done will come back to haunt me. how do i repent? and repenting isn't all that easy. every bad thing or good thing that i've done, has a repercussion that i'm unaware off. a ripple in society. a distortion in the plan. that i can never undo. and then i cry because i don't want to go back to sleep and never wake up. so i cry and i cry and he's next to me, unaware of everything that's going on and i don't know how to tell him how i'm feeling. i don't want him to worry or think that it's his fault because i love him so much. i just want this pain to stop. i want to stop pretending i'm fine because how can i be if this feeling keeps coming back. eventually though, i do fall asleep and thankfully, i wake up again and i see him sleeping so peacefully and the pain is gone and i've forgotten about it. i'm fine again. but as soon as i get up and my mind wakes, it all comes rushing back. ::me:: at 13:36 I just finished having a smoke after watching Requiem For a Dream. I don't know what to say or how to feel because i'm rather numb right now. Wow. That movie just hit me on every level of my being. Addiction is a very scary thing. It changes you completely even if you go into it feeling like it's nothing you cannot control. But that's what addiction is isn't it? Something you cannot control. I don't know why i'm feeling emotional right now. Like I'm stuck at the second before you drop on a rollercoaster. That gut wrenching feeling of what did i get myself into before the initial fall. The point where you close your eyes so tight and your knuckles are all white from the horror you expect. From the anxiety that will grip you and make you still as you go through the motions until at last, you come to a stop. Maybe it's because of the mother who's depressed and finds no reason to wake up everyday or sees no sense in cleaning her house because she has no one to live for, nothing to look forward to, no tomorrow to smile at. Maybe it's the girl and how she feels human because he makes her feel like she is when they're lying on the floor, numb from all the release. Maybe it's his big plans to live rich through pleasure and little work and always promising that it will work this time - it has to eventually. Maybe it's his friend that seemed in control, that wasn't so much a slave to his grind but shit happens anyway. Maybe it's the picture of the little pile of white dust landing on the table with a monstrous bang. Maybe it's that rolled up 5iver as it traces the white line leaving a trail of nothing. Maybe it's the pupil that dilates so quickly because you see everything at one instant and then see the madness in nothing. I don't know. Maybe it's just me feeling like all of us are on the brink of our own downfall as we push aside our principles for the sake of curiousity. ::me:: at 15:17 big fat fucking hairy deal is what i say! fuck all that. really. fuck it all! so much bullshit coming from one tiny person. nonsense! all of it! everything that was said!truly. enough wasting my precious fucking emotions for a cause not even worthy of a fight. perhaps it was before, but now... NO NO NO. i refuse to ruin what i have now for a mere castle in the sky. i will not pity, be guilty or continue to carry the blame on my broken back. i will not see it as my fault. i will acknowledge my countless apologies as good enough. i will not let the past be a constant burden on the intangible of us. i can't believe it took distance within the same country which led to moving to ANOTHER fucking country ACROSS the damn Pacific FOLLOWED by ANOTHER bloody 6 months, to finally throw the shackles of you - WHICH i had put on 2 years BACK!!!!!! ISN'T THAT BLOODY RIDICULOUS??? ISN'T IT?!?!?! WAH FUCK. A-FUCKING-MAZING. THE END. NO MORE. STORY OVER. KO. FULL FUCKING STOP. ::me:: at 01:33
Degree From Go-Quiz.com ::me:: at 13:52 It's been close to six months since i've moved out and into another country. Superficially, things haven't changed all that much. Well, at least i don't think so. Through my conversations with different people from home, those whom i've been close to right before i left and those random ones from my past that warm my heart, it's clear that time has changed so many things for them. I'm trying to see what I've thrown out or taken in but it gets hard when you don't have a control to compare yourself too. It's so different trying to analyse myself now then when I was just about to leave. Where we used to sit around and talk about how those 6 months have changed us socially, personally or physically. Where we'd flip through photos laughing at what we wore, who we were with and the stupid things we did that came with every glossy paper. I still sit here, befuddled but perhaps a little nearer to an inkling of my better/settled state. The only control I've carried with me is perhaps, my emotions. Where before I was more frazzled, more confused, more inclined to bursting out in tears - crying and screaming, more afraid and more unsure of myself. In these 5 1/2 months, i've had 3 attacks and none more psychotic than the ones i used to get. This is good i'm sure. But I question whether it's just because i have no place to be that, to just let go. Or is it because I'm just not reminded of why i used to get that way in the first place? But then I realised, all that doesn't matter. Right now, I DO feel more confident, more sure of myself and unafraid. However, I'm still confused. My heart still aches for what was but the days where I'm flying high cannot compare to the days before. No doubt, I'm still unhappy with several things about my life but things like that cannot be changed due to REAL obstacles like money, location and responsibilities i have taken on and accepted and grown fond of. Not some bullshit I'm just stopping myself from doing. So is this just part and parcel of growing up? Of moving from a more selfish stage in life to a more selfless? To having answers to questions we used to ask when we were small? "Where will i be when I'm older? Will I be married? Who will it be to? What will my family be like? How would my home be like? How would the world without my parents be like?" Yes, I am happy. But I will never know if I'm happier. And i doubt i'll ever know. And it's those days that I'm down that makes me want to know. So i'll wait and let it pan out because the view i have right now is as bright as i want it to be. ::me:: at 16:33
Once you start cooking, you suddenly realise that everything you eat is the same damn thing. And when everything you eat is the same damn thing, you don't want to eat anything anymore... unless it's grilled scorpion with sauteed maggots in green bean sauce as a side, and you surely wouldn't eat that over french fries now would you? So it's been three days since i've had a meal, proper. Yea, i do shovel down some rice with chicken to keep up my energy but my main food intake has been ice-cream and cookies. It's sad that my current food intake cancels out my prior food intake. I'm not losing weight. However, due to the past weeks consisting of the one-two combo hit of fasting and sickness, i'm proud to say that my jeans have further loosened. Now i'm top light and bottom semi-light but this completely contrasts that right-above-the-bottom EXPLOSION. Would taping that area, hence pushing it downward, work? Hmmm... ::me:: at 16:31 |